*DIsclaimer: Not my actual grocery cart
Unless I confess, I am afraid I’ll be doomed to Grocery Store Purgatory, where the only parking space you can find is the one furthest from the store, every bag you put your groceries in breaks, spilling your groceries all over the place, and you endlessly search the grocery store and can never find a clerk to help you.
So, here’s my confession:
Bless me, Raley’s, for I have sinned. The first rule I broke was going to the grocery store hungry. The second was going without a grocery list. I went there to “pick up a few things” and $75 later, walked out of the store.
Being a rather overweight, tall woman, I tend to attract more than a few stares in the grocery store. Especially since I have gained most of my weight around my abdomen now that I’m at menopause and I look…well…pregnant. I get a lot of “OMG how OLD is that woman and is she really freaking PREGNANT?!?” looks from people. But it is what it is and until I am willing to work on my weight issues, here I am.
One of the difficulties of being overweight is you can’t stay away from the source of your addiction. If you are addicted to alcohol or drugs, you resolve to stay away from it forever and never let it pass your lips (or bloodstream) again. I realize that is a ridiculous simplification of the daily struggles that people with addiction go through, but my point is, you can never touch alcohol ever again and still be alive.
Not so much with food.
We foodies have to subject ourselves to our addiction three times a day, and sometimes more, with snacks thrown in. And if you’re trying to control your addiction (a.k.a. “dieting”), then you make healthy food choices and try to ignore the tiny voices that cry out to you as you pass by, as they wail about your abandonment and how you don’t love them anymore. Have you ever experienced the heartbreak of accidentally running over a box of cookies or package of cupcakes, smashing it beyond recognition, because it threw itself in the path of your shopping cart in an attempt to get you to stop and give it one last caress? And then you glance furtively around and lick the frosting that has mooshed out of the package? Not that I’ve ever done that.
And as I trundled my cart around the grocery store, I would justify my purchases of “junk food” with equal purchases of “healthy food.”
When you first walk into the Raley’s grocery store in my town, you first go through the bakery department. Naturally. I needed bread, so I walked over to the bread aisle, and picked out a healthy, low calorie, high fiber bread. Good choice.
Then, my cart was drawn by a magnetic force over to the bakery department (in other words, I turned around) and a package of ginger cookies jumped in my cart! I know! How crazy is that?? It sat there in my cart, next to the healthy bread, grinning at me. Awww. Look at the lil guy. I shrug my shoulders and walk on. Next, meat department. I don’t really need any, but I browse. Hmmm. Here’s a package of ground beef (only 7 percent fat!) that is $1 off. That means it’s about to turn, so I should use it tonight.
Moving along from the meat counter, I come across the bratwurst. Oy. Bratwurst. In the cart it goes. Then back to the bread aisle. Now I need hot dog buns. Mmmmmm. Then on to the snack food aisle, where a package of corn chips jumps right off the shelf into my cart, alongside the ginger cookies. I shake my head. Then, to balance them out, I put a bag of low fat pretzels into my cart.
“Humph!” I snorted at the corn chips. “Take that!” The corn chip bag just lays there and looks smug.
What? Your food doesn’t talk to you? Well… you’re probably skinny.
Then on to the bottled water…. oh I need my caffeine fix and a case of diet coke goes underneath the cart beside it. It’s diet. Right? Oh stop.
Then walking s-l-o-w-l-y through the candy aisle, all the puppy dog eyes of the chocolate bars, M and Ms, reese’s, cherry twizzler bites, hershey kisses tug at my heartstrings. I feel as guilty as if I were leaving behind a stray at the pound, but somehow I manage to resist temptation and pass through that aisle unscathed. Sweaty and breathing hard, but no candy in my cart. I wipe my brow and move on.
Salsa, deluxe mac and cheese next, for the meal I’m preparing with my bargain hamburger, then on to milk. The only stock they have in the quart size of nonfat milk expires on January 13 (two days from now!!) so I pass on nonfat and grab a quart of 1%, which expires January 19th. Much better. Then frozen vegetables, including corn for tonight’s meal, and swinging around the end of the frozen section to……… The Ice Cream Aisle.
(queue “Oh yeah” by Yello)
Everything slows to slow motion as my tongue passes over my lips, my mouth waters, my heart pounds, (oohhhhhh yeahhhhhh) I feel myself begin to sweat. Breathing hard, my heart pounding in my ears, my mouth suddenly dry (beaauuuutiful)
The moose tracks… beautiful
The Ben & Jerry’s… even more beautiful
Oh Yeah… Oh Yeah… Oh Yeah
Beautiful
Oh Yeah… Oh Yeah…
I almost make it. I am nearly out, the world starting to come back into focus, the ringing in my ears subsiding, the Yello song fading away…. then it happens. I can’t resist. I lunge, throw open the freezer door, and surreptitiously slip a box of “It’s It”s into my cart. Ohhhhh yeahhhhhhhh.
I glance around, let go of the freezer door, and straighten my shoulders. Putting my nose in the air, I walk serenely away. Nothing to see here. Move along.
Next is the produce aisle. I add bananas and celery to my cart. Hey, it’s all about a balanced diet, am I right?
Good times.
I have now come full circle, and I am back at the front of the stores, with the checkout lines. I have terrible luck in check out lines, I almost always pick the line that is going to have SOME kind of problem, so I just pick one. Any one. Miraculously, the man in line in front of me gets checked out smoothly, with nary a hitch. I can hardly believe my luck! As he moves out, I take my place at the little counter thingy where you rest your purse (you used to write checks there, but who does that anymore?!?) and slide my debit card through the machine. I glance back to watch the checker removing the groceries from my cart, as neither the checker nor the bag person seems interested in conversation. It was there that I spotted her.
You know who I mean. The person who stands in line behind you, reviewing the items in your grocery cart and JUDGING you!!
She watched the ice cream bars go by (wrinkled nose). Bananas. Small smile. Celery. Small smile. Bratwurst and ground beef. She looks like she is going to vomit.
Ugh. I think to myself. Vegan. Pffft.
Cookies. Wrinkled nose. Healthy bread. Small smile. Water. Wrinkled nose (must be a greenie, doesn’t like the bottled water because of the waste. Whatever.) Diet coke. Eye roll. Deluxe mac and cheese. Disgusted click of her tongue. Tsk.
And so on until my cart is empty. She doesn’t dare glance at me but I know what she’s thinking. “Gawd. No wonder she’s as big as a house. Does she think she’s fooling anyone by slipping the fruits and vegetables in with the junk?!?” More tsking.
They finish up the transaction, the clerk barely thanking me, and the bagger not offering to take my groceries out to my car for me, as she turns to help the Judger with her healthy food and skinny body. Not that I noticed or anything.
As I walked out to the car, the case of soda slipped out from underneath the cart onto the pavement. I heaved it back in, walked over to my car, and loaded my groceries. Drove home, unloaded the groceries and schlepped them into the apartment and put them away. Cooked my comfort food dish with my ground beef, mac & cheese, salsa and corn (it’s delicious), and ate three of the ginger cookies and an It’s It. Don’t judge. It was good. And there are plenty of leftovers for tomorrow.
But you know what? I’m happy with myself. I’m happy with who I am. If and when I decide to lose weight, I will. I might even learn to enjoy eating like that. Meanwhile, I am what I am, and at least I’m trying.
Ta ta for now!
