I’ve really been struggling lately with my emotional and mental state of mind. I really dislike being emotionally upset, moody, etc. I hated it when I was a teenager; and I hate it now. I dislike drama and it’s accompanying emotional upheaval. I think that’s why I shy away from relationships, male or female, because eventually you’re going to have some kind of upset and I just don’t have the mental energy to deal with any of it right now.

I am finding that my mind is fuzzier than normal, and I have a hard time grasping thoughts as they flit through my brain. I can be having a conversation with someone, and lose my point mid-conversation. I say “what’s-his-name” a lot, and “whatdyacallit” a lot, because I can’t seem to pull simple names out of the mush that my brain has become.

It’s very frustrating! I was trying to think of my own son’s name today and I couldn’t! I mean in a few seconds I could but I had to sit there and think about it. I am beginning to think its early-onset Alzheimer’s, but from every thing I’ve read, this is common during menopause.

I have always been very mentally sharp and an excellent multi-tasker. Not so much anymore. I feel like I need to start carrying around a notepad all the time to write thoughts down as I go, so I can remember them later. Yeesh!

Ok, so what was I saying? Oh yes.

And then there’s the mood swings. I can have two different moods in as many minutes. I might just as soon bite your head off as look at you. My grip on my emotions is very elusive, and it makes me crazy. I cry at the drop of a hat or growl at people, depending on the day. The things that come out of my mouth horrify me sometimes! I think I’ve lost my filter. Or maybe I just don’t give a good god-damn anymore.

And that concerns me most of all, because one thing I’ve always prided myself on, is my compassion for others. Now, I just think most people are a giant pain in the ass and I want to tell them exactly what I think. And sometimes I do. With disasterous consequences. I’ve barely stopped myself in time, sometimes I am not so successful.

The other day, DB (from my previous post, she’s my co-worker and former friend that bad-mouthed me to our other friend LL), well I had to deal with something that one of her subordinates did to undermine me at work, and I lost it. I told DB exactly what I thought of her subordinate and what she did, and I dropped the f-bomb and swore, as well as cursed. Eeek. I am the HR director; I’m not supposed to lose it like this! I just don’t have a the grip on my emotions the way I used to.

I spend most weekends alone, and I like it that way! People piss me off and I don’t want to have to deal with them. I haven’t even felt like blogging. I suspect that I am mildly depressed, and I am making it worse by isolating myself.

On the other hand, I can sit here and think about my life and how much it sucks, and how much it doesn’t suck, and my emotions take a roller coaster ride up and down within the space of the five minutes it takes me to contemplate things. I worry about what other people think; and five minutes later don’t give a shit what people think. I want to hang out with my friends and then in the same minute can’t deal with the thought of the mental energy it would take to call someone and have a conversation.

I guess they say that this, too, shall pass. But I wish that it would hurry the fuck up before I get fired or before I beat someone bloody with my bare hands because they’re just so stupid!!

I think I need to take up meditation. Or drinking. Or both!

At any rate, thanks for letting me vent. Hope everyone has a great week!!