For years I have struggled with my feelings of overwhelm when I don’t have time to recharge my batteries on the weekends. Anything, even fun things, that take up my weekends leave me feeling resentful and anxious. Resentful because I have to “give up” my alone time; anxious because I feel selfish and rude. When people ask me to do things on the weekend, my first impulse is to say “no” even if it is fun and I want to go.

Ever since my husband and I divorced last year, I’ve been reveling in living alone. My happiest moments of the day involve coming home from work, locking the door and not going back outside until it’s time to go to work the next day. Weekends, I can happily come home on Friday, close and lock the door and not come out again until Monday morning when its time to go to work.

My job is in human resources, an intensely people-oriented job. I find this very ironic, because the job completely drains me of energy. I am very comfortable with my own company and happily spend hours by myself; in fact this is my preference. I wonder sometimes if I will or even should, get married again. I’ve become very stressed and anxious about my lack of social ability, and even felt guilty because I feel like I’m being very selfish. Sometimes even if someone calls me on the phone during my alone time, it irritates me and I don’t want to talk to them. People have gotten hurt feelings because I don’t answer the phone, don’t want to come over, don’t want to get together. Even answering emails is exhausting sometimes.

Today, I got all ready and walked down to the swimming pool in my complex. It is rarely used, and so I looked forward to going down there and swimming, relaxing and reading by the pool. When I got halfway there, I saw that someone else was using the pool. Only one person, but yet I got very upset and turned around and came back. I resented that person being at the pool, and I did not want to be at the pool if anyone else was there. Part of it is my being so overweight; I’m very sensitive to being stared at because of it. Sometimes I think I could very happily live all alone with no one around for miles and miles and I would be perfectly happy that way. Sometimes I fear becoming an agoraphobic. I have worried that I am depressed, that I have some psychological problem that I need to overcome. Am I afraid of exposure to other people because I’m afraid of rejection? I experience a huge feeling of relief at the end of the day, when I come home and that door closes. I lock it and feel as if a huge weight is lifted off my shoulders. I pull my clothes off, put on my PJs or my shorts and t-shirt, and just feel happy. I fear criticism of any kind and always having to be “on” all the time when I’m around other people is exhausting.

When I came back from the pool, denying myself the pleasure of a swim just because a person was there, concerned me a great deal. My reluctance to give up my weekends to visit friends and family worried me. I began to think something was wrong with me (and perhaps people who are extroverts and don’t understand might think so). Perhaps I suffer from some sort of social anxiety disorder.

So I started Googling this reaction. I tried all kinds of things. Then I remembered that on the Meyers-Briggs scale, I am an INFJ — Introverted, iNtuitive, Feeling, Judger. Introverted. Hmmm…. I Googled introvert…and read page after page after page of people who are experiencing the same things. I am not damaged; I’m an introvert! What a huge relief to realize that this is “normal” behavior for an introvert and that others experience the same anxiety and energy drain from being around people, and often need hours of alone time to recharge their batteries. Unless I marry a very understanding man, I may never be able to be married ever again.

I was an awkward, geeky kid, and my peers made fun of me on a regular basis from the time I was small. My mother dressed me funny, I was tall and wore glasses in Jr. High, and those years were probably the worst torture of my entire life. Did being made fun of make me introverted, or was I introverted always and the teasing made me withdraw even more? I’ve always been a quiet kid, a quiet adult, who only had one really close friend and lots of acquaintances. I’ve learned to be poised and comfortable in public, even giving trainings and presentations. But I go home at the end of the day exhausted, and then to have to meet the needs and demands of a husband and family makes things worse for me. My husband(s) always resented the fact that I needed “downtime” and “alone time” with the door closed. After reading about introversion, now I know why. I wish both they and I could have recognized my need for this and maybe that way they wouldn’t have felt rejected by me.

When I read this article, I almost cried with relief. This is me to a “T.” It was published on this site:

“People don’t outgrow introversion, so the introverted adult was once an introverted child. What is true of one is true of both. Contrary to popular opinion, introverts are not asocial, nor are they friendless loners who lack social skills. They simply have different social needs and preferences.

Friendships
It is not easy for introverts to make new friends because getting to know someone takes so much energy. However, introverts don’t need a wide circle of friends. They prefer one or two close friends, even though they may know many people and have a large number of acquaintances. In spite of this preference, introverts are frequently criticized for not making an effort to make more friends and are often seen to be lacking social skills.

Social Preferences
Introverts need a lot of personal space. They like being in a room alone with the door closed [OMG this is so me!!!] and those who don’t understand introverts believe this desire to be alone is a sign of depression. However, for introverts this behavior is normal; it is not a sign of withdrawing from life. Being around others is tiring for them so they need time alone in order to regain some of their energy [if only more people understood this]. Being alone also gives them a chance to think and figure things out uninterrupted. Introverts don’t enjoy large parties and if they have to attend one, prefer to spend their time with just one or two others, talking about what they all know a lot about. Introverted children may prefer to play on the side with one or two other children.

Preferred Activities
Introverts enjoy activities they can do alone or with just a few others. It’s not surprising, then, that so many introverted gifted children love to read [I'm not a freak; I'm gifted! Right?!? hehe]. They also tend to prefer activities that allow for creative expression, like creative writing, music, and art. Introverted children also enjoy quiet and imaginative play. When presented with an opportunity to participate in a group activity or game, introverts prefer to hang back and watch before they join in. Many people see this as shyness, but it’s not. They feel more comfortable with situations that are familiar to them and they are simply trying to become familiar with the activity before they join in.[OMG yes yes yes yes!!]

Social Behavior
Introverts tend to be quiet and subdued. They dislike being the center of attention, even if the attention is positive. It’s not surprising, then, that introverts don’t brag about their achievements or knowledge. In fact, they may know more than they’ll admit. It may be the introverted gifted children who are more at risk for “dumbing down” since they would be more likely to want to hide their abilities.When introverts are tired, in a large group, or if too much is going on, they may show little animation, with little facial expression or body movement. Introverts also have two distinct personalities: a private one and a public one. That can explain why they can be talkative in comfortable settings, like home, and quiet elsewhere.

Social Interaction
While introverts may appear to lack social skills or be antisocial, neither is true. Their style of social interaction is simply different from that of extroverts. They tend to listen more than they talk and are excellent listeners. They are attentive and will make eye contact with the person they are listening to and rarely interrupt. When they do talk, introverts tend to say what they mean and may look away from the person they’re talking to. They dislike small talk and would rather say nothing than something they feel is insignificant. Although introverts are quiet, they will talk incessantly if they’re interested in the topic. They also dislike being interrupted when they talk, or when they’re working on some project.

Verbal Expression
If given a choice, introverts would rather express their ideas in writing than in speech. When they do speak, they need time to think before answering a question. Sometimes they even feel the need to mentally rehearse what they want to say before they say it. The need to think before speaking often results in the introvert being slow to respond to questions or comments. When they talk, they may also pause quite often and even have problems finding the right word. [This is the one part of introversion that so doesn't apply to me. I do listen and am an excellent listener, and I prefer writing to speaking (if I am upset with you, I will be more likely to write you a note than confront you verbally); however I think very quickly and I speak quickly and it makes me batshit crazy to talk to someone who can't get their words out and pause a lot. My thoughts are rapid-fire, so is my speech. hehe]

Emotions and Emotional Responses
Introverts become emotionally drained after spending time with others, particularly strangers. They don’t like crowded places and introverted children can even become grouchy and irritable if they’ve been around too many people for too long. Even when introverts enjoyed a party or activity, they can feel drained afterwards. Parents often sign their introverted children up for numerous activities to help them improve their social skills, but an activity-filled schedule is overwhelming for these children. Introverts are also rather territorial. They dislike sharing space with others for too long and may find house guests intrusive. Introverts also have a hard time sharing their feelings and feel deeply embarrassed by public mistakes. [OMG this is so completely and totally me!!]

Other Traits and Preferences
Introverts can concentrate intensely on a book or project for a long time if they find it interesting and like to explore subjects deeply and thoroughly. That may be why introverts don’t like to be bothered when they are reading or working on a project. Introverts are highly aware of their inner world of perceptions, thoughts, ideas, beliefs, and feelings. They are also highly aware of their surroundings, noticing details that others don’t see. However, they are not quick to discuss their thoughts or observations. They may, for example, wait days or weeks to talk about events. Introverts also favor consistency over change, and cope with change best when they know ahead of time what to expect and have enough time to prepare for it.”
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Wow. Just….wow!!

One article suggested that introverts are on the autism spectrum. While I think that these days, any “odd” behavior is being labeled “autistic” I certainly am no expert, and it is very possible that many behaviors are “on the spectrum.” It is very true that too much stimulus makes me crazy and I need peace and quiet apparently a lot more than others. I will often spend time with no noise (no TV, no music) and I find that very soothing. I don’t like to be disrupted by noise from others, and thus my longing to be a hermit, sometimes. I don’t want to hear my neighbors at all. Period. Like my neighbors baby crying through the bedroom wall. *sighs*.

At any rate, I just had to share this. I thought there was something wrong with me; turns out I am a very typical introvert. I don’t feel like such a freak now and maybe if I explain this to my parents they will understand why I may be reluctant to “give up” my weekends to do family stuff. My brother has Asberger’s Syndrome, which is definitely on the autism spectrum. Hopefully this will help them understand why I am the way I am.

Or, as Popeye says it, “I yam what I yam.”

Have a great weekend, everyone!